When I was 13 years old I had my virginity taken away from me by a boy about 4 years older than me. Old enough to know better.
I was out with my friends getting drunk in a park in a rough part of Liverpool. I was so desperate to be wanted I even chose the ugliest boy, inside and out, to have a crush on hoping one day he’d like me back and validate me as a desirable female like the rest of my friends had been. At that age you had to fancy someone otherwise your friends had nobody to put underneath your name and heart they’d drawn for you in class. Because my crush was so public it was hard to explain to people that the sex we had in a bush was not consensual. I wonder now if I might have underestimated the clever planning that went into my rape to make sure I wouldn’t be believed if I tried to tell.
When my friend and the rest of the boys all wandered home, this boy guided me towards a spot in the park surrounded by bushes, like our own little private meadow. Except it wasn’t beautiful it was dark and wet as he pushed me to the ground and forced his penis in my mouth forcing it to the back of my head while I choked. I asked if we could stop but he was older and stronger and just getting started. Pulling my pants to my ankles and sticking my legs in the air he began to penetrate me over and over again until he was finished with me. Before i could get up of the ground and pull up my pants he was gone. I got the bus home dazed and went straight to bed. It wasn’t until I got up the next morning I felt the agony between my legs, barely able to sit I saw my trousers on the floor with muddy, grass stained knees and saturated in blood. There was so much blood.
In school I was nothing but a slag and everyone was talking about how I got shagged in the park and convinced me that I wanted it so much that I still hung out with those friends that left me to be raped and the boy that had raped me, for months after. I had to see the face of my rapist every weekend and pretend that i chose this. But I didn’t. It was only when I finally became a woman that I realised everything about that night was wrong and it wasn’t my fault it was his.